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Some people irritate us almost from the moment we meet them.
They have not necessarily done anything seriously wrong. It might be the way they speak, the confidence with which they enter a room, their need to be the centre of attention, their untidiness, their excessive conscientiousness, how easily they say “no”, or even something as small as the way they laugh.
And then there are other people who do exactly the same things, yet hardly bother us at all.
That alone is interesting.
Why do some behaviours pass us by without much of a reaction, while others seem to press an internal button, triggering disproportionate anger, irritation or rejection?
One simple psychological explanation we often hear is that “what bothers you in someone else is something you cannot tolerate in yourself”.
That can happen. But it is not always the case.
If someone behaves offensively, they may bother us because their behaviour really is offensive. If they repeatedly cross our boundaries, we do not necessarily need to search for some hidden trait within ourselves to explain our discomfort. Sometimes our reactions simply tell us that someone’s behaviour conflicts with our values or needs.
There are times, however, when the intensity of our reaction deserves a second look.
Consider, for example, someone who is excessively irritated by a person who readily asserts what they want. They see that person as selfish, demanding, perhaps even rude. They may be entirely right. But there is another possibility: throughout their own life, they may have learned not to ask for much, to adapt, to avoid burdening others and to put their own needs a little further down the list.
In that case, the other person’s ease in saying “this is what I want” may provoke something more than simple irritation.
It may confront us with a freedom we have struggled to allow ourselves.
The same can happen with someone who is very spontaneous when we have learned to monitor our behaviour constantly. With someone who rests without guilt when we have tied our sense of worth to constant effort. Or with someone who openly expresses sadness when we grew up believing that we must always be strong.
This does not mean that, deep down, we want to become just like them.
Their presence may simply remind us that there is a way of living that we once ruled out as an option for ourselves.
At other times, a strong reaction has a different origin.
A tone of voice, a sarcastic remark or a particular behaviour may remind us, without our immediately realising it, of someone or a relationship from our past. We are then responding to more than what is happening today. We are also bringing something of what we have already experienced into the present moment.
That is why even we may be surprised by the intensity of our feelings.
“Why did that upset me so much?”
It is a useful question, provided we do not use it to invalidate what we feel.
Because there is also the opposite risk. In trying to uncover something “of our own” behind every irritation, we may end up excusing behaviours that genuinely hurt us. We may assume that, because something makes us angry, the problem must lie within us.
That is not the case.
Self-awareness does not mean taking responsibility for every difficulty that arises in our relationships. It means being better able to distinguish between what is happening outside us and what is being activated within us.
And often, both happen at once.
Someone may genuinely be rude, while their rudeness also touches an old sensitivity of ours. Someone may truly be indifferent, and their indifference may feel even more painful because we experienced that same feeling in an important relationship in the past. One explanation does not cancel out the other.
Perhaps, then, when someone triggers an unusually strong reaction in us, we do not need to blame them immediately or turn all the responsibility back on ourselves.
We can begin by staying curious for a moment.
What exactly bothers me so much? Which behaviour? What does it mean to me? What do I feel it threatens, violates or reminds me of? Do I need to set a boundary with this person, or is there something within myself worth understanding better?
We will not always find a striking answer.
Sometimes we simply do not click with someone. The chemistry between people cannot be fully explained, and we do not need to turn every dislike into a psychological puzzle.
But there are times when our irritation can act as a small mirror.
Not because the other person is necessarily just like us.
Perhaps because, in some way, they touch a part of our history, a boundary, or an aspect of ourselves that we have not examined for a long time.
And then, even if they continue to bother us, we may at least have learned a little more about why.
By Giannis Xintaras, Psychologist and Psychotherapist
